Saturday, May 05, 2012
Thursday, May 26, 2011
L'époux idéal / The perfect husband
The perfect husband keeps the same weight before and after marriage.
He turns his socks and T shirts outside in before he puts them IN the laundry box, not over neither next to it.
The perfect husband remembers his close relatives' birthdays.
He shops at malls, buying what's useful. He buys less sweets and candies than basic food.
He knows how to buy a kilo of tomatoes without calling his wife 3 times to ask about color, consistency and size.
The perfect husband is also the perfect co-pilot.
He doesn't horn when his wife is driving, even when a crazy driver throws himself in front of her.
He also doesn't sustain an ambiguous talk : " What are you waiting for ??? Go !! Go !!! you want to let everybody pass ??" when a few minutes earlier : " Look, it's Sunday and we're not in a hurry ! So drive slowly !! "
Finally, the perfect husband chats with his wife in the evening, he doesn't fall asleep while she is still talking to him. But then let's say : the perfect wife speaks less !
.
.
L'époux idéal garde le même poids avant et après le mariage.
Il retourne ses chausettes et ses T shirts avant de les placer DANS le bac à linge, ni sur ni à côté de celui-ci.
Il se rappelle des anniversaires de ses proches les plus proches.
Il fait les supermarchés en n'achetant que ce qui est utile, évite d'acheter plus de friandises que d'aliments de base.
Il sait acheter un kilo de tomates sans téléphoner 3 fois à sa femme pour savoir quelle couleur, taille, consistance choisir.
L'époux idéal est aussi le copilote idéal.
Il ne klaxonne pas lui-même quand c'est sa femme qui conduit, même si elle s'est fait avoir par un chauffard sortant de droite n'ayant pas la priorité.
Il ne tient pas non plus de propos ambigüs "Mais fonce donc ! Tu veux faire passer tout le monde !! " quand quelques minutes auparavant : " Tu sais, c'est Dimanche, nous ne sommes pas pressés, alors conduit lentement ! " .
Enfin, l'époux idéal bavarde un peu avec sa femme le soir. Il ne s'endort pas alors qu'elle est en plein discours. Mais là, disons que l'épouse idéale est celle qui parlerai moins.
.
.
Et voici une chanson que je chante si bien en karaoké, mais avec quelques variations :
.
Des yeux qui font briller les miens
Un rire qui s'éclate sur sa bouche
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l'époux que j'aime tant
.
Quand il m'enlace dans ses bras
Qu'il me parle d'amour
Je vois la vie en rose
Il me dit des mots d'humour
Reflet de son amour
Et ça me fait beaucoup d'choses
.
Il est entré dans ma vie
Cet amour qui me ravit
Et dont il est seul la cause
C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui pour toujours
Nous le sommes dit, et juré, pour la vie
Et dès que je l'aperçoit
Je sens à chaque fois
Mon coeur qui bat, La la la lalala.........
He turns his socks and T shirts outside in before he puts them IN the laundry box, not over neither next to it.
The perfect husband remembers his close relatives' birthdays.
He shops at malls, buying what's useful. He buys less sweets and candies than basic food.
He knows how to buy a kilo of tomatoes without calling his wife 3 times to ask about color, consistency and size.
The perfect husband is also the perfect co-pilot.
He doesn't horn when his wife is driving, even when a crazy driver throws himself in front of her.
He also doesn't sustain an ambiguous talk : " What are you waiting for ??? Go !! Go !!! you want to let everybody pass ??" when a few minutes earlier : " Look, it's Sunday and we're not in a hurry ! So drive slowly !! "
Finally, the perfect husband chats with his wife in the evening, he doesn't fall asleep while she is still talking to him. But then let's say : the perfect wife speaks less !
.
.
L'époux idéal garde le même poids avant et après le mariage.
Il retourne ses chausettes et ses T shirts avant de les placer DANS le bac à linge, ni sur ni à côté de celui-ci.
Il se rappelle des anniversaires de ses proches les plus proches.
Il fait les supermarchés en n'achetant que ce qui est utile, évite d'acheter plus de friandises que d'aliments de base.
Il sait acheter un kilo de tomates sans téléphoner 3 fois à sa femme pour savoir quelle couleur, taille, consistance choisir.
L'époux idéal est aussi le copilote idéal.
Il ne klaxonne pas lui-même quand c'est sa femme qui conduit, même si elle s'est fait avoir par un chauffard sortant de droite n'ayant pas la priorité.
Il ne tient pas non plus de propos ambigüs "Mais fonce donc ! Tu veux faire passer tout le monde !! " quand quelques minutes auparavant : " Tu sais, c'est Dimanche, nous ne sommes pas pressés, alors conduit lentement ! " .
Enfin, l'époux idéal bavarde un peu avec sa femme le soir. Il ne s'endort pas alors qu'elle est en plein discours. Mais là, disons que l'épouse idéale est celle qui parlerai moins.
.
.
Et voici une chanson que je chante si bien en karaoké, mais avec quelques variations :
.
Des yeux qui font briller les miens
Un rire qui s'éclate sur sa bouche
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l'époux que j'aime tant
.
Quand il m'enlace dans ses bras
Qu'il me parle d'amour
Je vois la vie en rose
Il me dit des mots d'humour
Reflet de son amour
Et ça me fait beaucoup d'choses
.
Il est entré dans ma vie
Cet amour qui me ravit
Et dont il est seul la cause
C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui pour toujours
Nous le sommes dit, et juré, pour la vie
Et dès que je l'aperçoit
Je sens à chaque fois
Mon coeur qui bat, La la la lalala.........
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Embouteillages : mode d'emploi
Un jour à la télé, je vis un reportage qui m'a complètement choquée : un embouteillage dans un pays autre que le mien : des voitures roulant en file, strictement entre les lignes, en gardant la voie de droite libre. Au Liban, un tel phénomène est totalement inexistant. Bloqués dans un embouteillage, vos options ne sont limitées que par la force de votre imagination. Le conducteur régulier se trouve des trajets parallèles, une route en sens contraire, une ruelle non asphaltée, afin de contourner 10 mètres de blocus. Il est prêt à prendre des ruelles parallèles des plus sinueuses : il roule et roule, s'arrêtant rarement, et finit par reprendre l'autoroute en même temps que l'autre automobiliste qui, lui, est resté sur l'autoroute. Si on lui fait la remarque, il s'agite et rétorque : au moins je roulais , moi !! ça me rendrait fou d'être bloqué dans un bouchon !! Le conducteur régulier finit par se rendre compte que ce qui roule le mieux, c'est l'autoroute : ça roule lentement, mais sûrement. Au Liban, en temps anormal, en situation instable de guerre, assassinats, terrorisme,... les autoroutes ont en moyenne 3 à 4 voies et une de droite. En temps normal,, en situation stable surtout l'été avec l'afflux des vacanciers, l'autoroute a facilement 5 à 6 voies et 2 de droite. Ces dernières sont une sur la chaussée et l'autre à mi-chemin entre l'asphalte et le trottoir. Si vous tentez de suivre une voie, disont la seconde de gauche, vous ferez tous les efforts du monde, vous serez dépassés à plusieurs reprises, on vous klaxonnera car vous bloquez en réalité 2 voies, une autre voiture se faufilera entre vous et la voiture voisine. Pour avancer, suivez mes conseils :
- Démarrez en trombe et collez-vous à la voiture qui vous précède : chaque fois que votre ligne avance, un conducteur de droite ou de gauche va tenter, avec une rapidité inouie, de se jeter devant vous et profiter de la ligne qui avance. Si vous n'avez pas envie de jouer à ce jeu, placez-vous derrière un camion, personne ne voudrait de votre place et vous êtes tranquille, même qu'avec un peu de chance et selon l'heure du jour, vous profiterez de l'ombre rafraichissante du gros bolide.
- Roulez à gauche : PIEGE !! La voie de gauche est celle qui avance le plus lentement en cas d'embouteillage. C'est la moins stressante, il vous suffit de contrôler votre droite et vous êtes loin des camions, qui, eux, roulent souvent à droite.
- Roulez à droite : c'est la voie qui roule le plus car elle est la plus stressante. Au Liban, les autoroutes sont bordés de boutiques, restaurants, rues parallèles, sorties et entrées... En roulant à droite, évitez de le faire derrière un transport en commun : arrêts fréquents et brutaux guarantis. Ne roulez pas en extrême droite, vous risquez de tomber sur une voiture en panne, une voiture sortant à toute vitesse d'une rue parallèle, une voiture (typiquement conduite par une femme) qui veut garer devant un magazin et qui fait attendre toute la file derrière, le temps qu'elle se décide où, comment et quand garer, et à la fin, vous la voyez qui commence à garer et vous démarrez en essayant de la dépasser, et HOP ! elle change d'avis d'un coup et redémarre juste devant vous !!
- Roulez en extrême droite : les roues de gauche sur l'asphalte et celles de droite sur le trottoir. Vous guarantissez au moins que personne ne vous dépassera du côté droit...VOUS VOUS LEURREZ !!!! Il se trouvera toujours un 4 roues qui, lui, roulera SUR le trottoir si celui-ci est assez large.
- Laissez faire ! Toutes les astuces que vous croyez en détenir tout seul le secret, sont connues par vos concurrents, les autres automobilistes. En réalité, il faut partir à point !
Traffic jam for dummies
Once on TV, I watched a program that bedazzelled me : a traffic jam in a country other than mine : cars running in a perfect queue, between the lines, always keeping the right lane free for emergencies. In Lebanon, such a phenomenon is totally non-existent. Blocked in traffic jam, your options are limited only by the extent of your imagination. The regular driver finds himself parallel routes, a one way road in the opposite way, a road with no asphalt, any other road to bypass 10 meters of blockade. He is able to follow the most sinuous route : he drives and drives with minimal stops and, at the end, he takes back the highway at the same time as the other driver who stayed all the way on the highway. If you laugh at him, he'll yell -- at least I was rolling !! I'll go crazy blocked like that !! (Yeah , you're right, but mostly you'll drive the other drivers crazy with your non productive agitation and unstoppable honking!!) . The regular driver finally accepts the fact that the highway rolls best : it rolls slow, but it rolls. In Lebanon, in times of crisis, war, assassinations, terrorism, etc... highways usually have 3 to 4 lanes, with one extra lane on the right. In normal times, mainly in the summer, they have at least 5 to 6 lanes, and 2 on the right. The last 2 lanes are one on the asphalt and one in between asphalt and sidewalk. If you decide to follow a lane, lets say the second from the left, and try to stay in it, you'll be passed all the time by other cars, or else they'll honk at you because, in fact, you are blocking 2 lanes, any other car will attempt to sneak between you and the car on your side. So take my advices :
- Each time your line rolls, start quickly and stop extremely close to the car in front of you : each time your line rolls, a car from one side (sometimes both sides) will attempt to throw itself in front of you and steal your turn. If you don't like this game, drive behind a truck, no one would like to take your place.
- Drive on the left side : WRONG!!! It's the slowest lane, in case of heavy traffic.But it's the least stressfull one, you only have to watch your right side and you are driving far from trucks that usually drive on the right lanes.
- Drive on the right side : it's the fastest way, but the most stressful one. In Lebanon, highways are limited all the way by any kind of shops, showrooms , restaurants... When driving on the right side, avoid doing so behind public transport : frequent and unexpected stops guaranteed. Don't drive neither on the very right side, you might bump into a brokendown car, a car coming at high speed from a parallel road or a car (usually driven by a woman) that needs to park in front of a shop and makes the whole line behind it wait for it to make up its mind on where, when and how to park, and finally, you see it starting to park and you maneuver to pass it and at this precise little instant, it changes its mind and drives back just in front of you !!
- Drive on the very right side : with your left wheels on the road, and the right ones on the sidewalk. There you can guarantee that no car will pass you from the right ...YOU'RE WRONG !! There will always be some off-road that rolls ON the sidewalk if it is wide enough !!
- Surrender !! All the driving tips that you might think you ALONE are aware of, are in fact known by most of your competitors on the road. Remember this proverb : slow and steady wins the race ( It is useless to run, one must leave in time).
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Des tâches sur le pare brise : à la libanaise
Ce matin, en prenant ma voiture, je remarque une tâche sur le pare brise, juste devant mes yeux. Je n'y accorde pas tellement d'importance et demarre à mon travail. Quelques minutes plus tard, mon mari appelle. Je réponds avec mon bluetooth ( les bluetooth et les écouteurs sont des appareils sauveurs de vies, entre parenthèses). Il entame : Tu as vu la tâche sur le pare brise ?
__ Oui, j'ai remarqué
__ Devine qu'est ce qui a causé cette tâche ?
Il avait pris la voiture hier, j'ai pensé peut-être une chiotte d'oiseau, ça arrive parfois .........
__ Une chiotte d'oiseau, peut-être ?
__ Je l'aurais bien souhaité !!
.............Houlala !!! Qu'est-ce qui peut bien être pire qu'une merde d'oiseau sur votre pare brise ? ............
__ Je roulait et un taxi venait dans le sens oppposé. En une fraction de seconde, je vois une tête sortant de la fenêtre et une jolie boule de mucus sortant de sa bouche et atterrissant en plein vol sur mon pare brise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sans commentaires.
__ Oui, j'ai remarqué
__ Devine qu'est ce qui a causé cette tâche ?
Il avait pris la voiture hier, j'ai pensé peut-être une chiotte d'oiseau, ça arrive parfois .........
__ Une chiotte d'oiseau, peut-être ?
__ Je l'aurais bien souhaité !!
.............Houlala !!! Qu'est-ce qui peut bien être pire qu'une merde d'oiseau sur votre pare brise ? ............
__ Je roulait et un taxi venait dans le sens oppposé. En une fraction de seconde, je vois une tête sortant de la fenêtre et une jolie boule de mucus sortant de sa bouche et atterrissant en plein vol sur mon pare brise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sans commentaires.
Windshields spots : the lebanese way
This morning, when I sat into my car, I noticed a spot over the windshield just in front of my eyes. I didn't make a fuss about it and just drove to work. A few minutes later, my husband rang. I answered with my bluetooth (bluetooth and earphones are life saving devices, just for the record) . He said : did you notice a spot on your windshield ?
__ Yes I did.
__ Guess what was it for ?
He drove the car yesterday, I thought may be it was some bird shit, happens sometimes...
__ Some bird shit, may be ?
__ I would have hoped it would be so !!
........ Oh! OOH! what could be worse than bird shit on your windshield ? .........
__ I was driving and a taxi car was coming the oppposite way. In less than a second, I saw a face appearing from the window and a bolus of mucus coming out of its mouth and flying directly to splash on the windshield !!!!!!!!!
No comment !!
__ Yes I did.
__ Guess what was it for ?
He drove the car yesterday, I thought may be it was some bird shit, happens sometimes...
__ Some bird shit, may be ?
__ I would have hoped it would be so !!
........ Oh! OOH! what could be worse than bird shit on your windshield ? .........
__ I was driving and a taxi car was coming the oppposite way. In less than a second, I saw a face appearing from the window and a bolus of mucus coming out of its mouth and flying directly to splash on the windshield !!!!!!!!!
No comment !!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Lebanon is still the best
Once I had my car being fixed, I had to call a cab to go to work. The driver was in his late forties, I sat in the back seat on the right side, as should be. I could see him through the front mirror. The traffic made a 20 minutes ride take as much as an hour.
As soon as we got blocked in traffic jam, the taxi driver started to talk, critisizing all this traffic. He told me his story, he was living in a scandinavian country for more than 15 years, he even has citizenship with his lebanese wife and both his children. It's been may be a year since he came back to settle in Lebanon with his family. He was having real hard time to earn a decent wage, to find a decent job... And he started comparing the situation in Lebanon, the political corruption, the unsecurity, the people around to what he witnessed and lived in his scandinavian country : compensation when he was unemployed, 100% coverage for medical and school expenses, waiting in a supermarket queue with the prime minister !!! ...
Then the conversation was getting hotter and hotter, he was turning his head right and left, with anger over his face, agitating his hands, yelling at me : LOOK ! LOOK! LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE ! with disgust on his face then : LOOK ! LOOK ! LOOK AT THOSE CARS ! I thought he was going to give this : look at those cars, plenty of all road and expensive cars while everybody complains they have barely enough to eat... but no : LOOK AT THESE, MERCEDES, BMW, ... ALL GERMAN, ALL EUROPEAN CARS !!! YOU THINK IT'S THE ARAB OR THE LEBANESE WHO MANUFACTURED THESE CARS, NO , NO, LEBANESE ARE NO GOOD .... And it went on and on with more critisizing about Lebanon and praising the scandinavian country. Hearing all this, by the end of the trip, I simply asked him : do you consider going back to scandinavia with your family since you have citizenship and full citizen rights and facilities and you all speak scandinavian ? ---------------------- He went all crazy !!!!!! WHAT ! THERE'S NO LIFE THERE!! PEOPLE GO TO WORK, GO BACK HOME, GO TO WORK , GO BACK HOME , NO LIFE I TELL YOU !!! NO WAY I'M GOING BACK THERE !!!
As soon as we got blocked in traffic jam, the taxi driver started to talk, critisizing all this traffic. He told me his story, he was living in a scandinavian country for more than 15 years, he even has citizenship with his lebanese wife and both his children. It's been may be a year since he came back to settle in Lebanon with his family. He was having real hard time to earn a decent wage, to find a decent job... And he started comparing the situation in Lebanon, the political corruption, the unsecurity, the people around to what he witnessed and lived in his scandinavian country : compensation when he was unemployed, 100% coverage for medical and school expenses, waiting in a supermarket queue with the prime minister !!! ...
Then the conversation was getting hotter and hotter, he was turning his head right and left, with anger over his face, agitating his hands, yelling at me : LOOK ! LOOK! LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE ! with disgust on his face then : LOOK ! LOOK ! LOOK AT THOSE CARS ! I thought he was going to give this : look at those cars, plenty of all road and expensive cars while everybody complains they have barely enough to eat... but no : LOOK AT THESE, MERCEDES, BMW, ... ALL GERMAN, ALL EUROPEAN CARS !!! YOU THINK IT'S THE ARAB OR THE LEBANESE WHO MANUFACTURED THESE CARS, NO , NO, LEBANESE ARE NO GOOD .... And it went on and on with more critisizing about Lebanon and praising the scandinavian country. Hearing all this, by the end of the trip, I simply asked him : do you consider going back to scandinavia with your family since you have citizenship and full citizen rights and facilities and you all speak scandinavian ? ---------------------- He went all crazy !!!!!! WHAT ! THERE'S NO LIFE THERE!! PEOPLE GO TO WORK, GO BACK HOME, GO TO WORK , GO BACK HOME , NO LIFE I TELL YOU !!! NO WAY I'M GOING BACK THERE !!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Movies reviews
"We own the night" with Eva Mendez and Joachim Phoenix. Entertaining, good acting, nice cast, full of surprises, mostly predictable american cops movie,about a guy whose whole family is in the police and he manages a night club where some drug dealing will put him on a test.
"Beyond a reasonnable doubt" with Michael Douglas. Now this is a must see movie. Great story, totally unpredictable throught the end, breathtaking, although the movie starts a little bit slow though. A journalist wants to prove that district attorney Douglas is corrupted and falsifies the evidence. He makes himself a murder suspect to prove it.
"Angel heart " with Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro. A psychological thriller set in 1955 about a detective searching for WWII veteran that disappeared 12 years ago. Captivating, although I found it a little bit disappointing, although it had good ratings on imdb and rotten tomatoes. Violence and some gore, so beware. But surely not boring, you'll fix the screen till the very end and beyond if you could, felt like it needed something more. If it were a french movie, we would have settled with it cause they almost always leave you with a question mark.
"Beyond a reasonnable doubt" with Michael Douglas. Now this is a must see movie. Great story, totally unpredictable throught the end, breathtaking, although the movie starts a little bit slow though. A journalist wants to prove that district attorney Douglas is corrupted and falsifies the evidence. He makes himself a murder suspect to prove it.
"Angel heart " with Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro. A psychological thriller set in 1955 about a detective searching for WWII veteran that disappeared 12 years ago. Captivating, although I found it a little bit disappointing, although it had good ratings on imdb and rotten tomatoes. Violence and some gore, so beware. But surely not boring, you'll fix the screen till the very end and beyond if you could, felt like it needed something more. If it were a french movie, we would have settled with it cause they almost always leave you with a question mark.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Un séduisant prêtre
L'autre jour, en dinant avec des amis, ils ont parlé d'un certain prêtre, bien connu, actif et ... beau. Mon mari m'a fait remarqué que je le trouverai bien à mon genre, que c'était mon style de jolis mecs. J'en doutais, j'avait vu sa photo sur des panneaux publicitaires, bof !
J'ai fini par tomber sur son profile sur facebook et par avouer que mon mari avait bel et bien raison.
Mais le truc hilarant, ce sont les commentaires de ses Friends, en particulier les femmes, sur ses photos. Des commentaires qui, même en demeurant dans les limites du language poli et posé, en disent un peu plus long sur les sentiments de ces femmes qui visitent le profile du très séduisant Père. En l'occurence, des "très jolie photo, nous en voulons plus " "tu es très beau, Père " ... Même avec une touche pieuse : "tu es très beau, rendons grâce au Seigneur qui t'a créé " " tu es très beau, que Dieu te donne une longue vie " ...
J'ai fini par tomber sur son profile sur facebook et par avouer que mon mari avait bel et bien raison.
Mais le truc hilarant, ce sont les commentaires de ses Friends, en particulier les femmes, sur ses photos. Des commentaires qui, même en demeurant dans les limites du language poli et posé, en disent un peu plus long sur les sentiments de ces femmes qui visitent le profile du très séduisant Père. En l'occurence, des "très jolie photo, nous en voulons plus " "tu es très beau, Père " ... Même avec une touche pieuse : "tu es très beau, rendons grâce au Seigneur qui t'a créé " " tu es très beau, que Dieu te donne une longue vie " ...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Gaddafi or Lady Gaga ?
The only thing they have in common is their extravagant outfit. Couldn't help it but upload these photos. Hilarious !!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's day
I think it is inappropriate to make Valentine's day an occasion only for couples, when it is meant to be a day to celebrate love.
Everyone has some loving to give and I find it more appropriate to make it a day for singles to celebrate, give them a chance to meet somebody or just a chance to celebrate their lack of commitment in a relationship, making them available to more opportunities. Available to meet someone. Available to care for a beloved relative. Available to babysit !
I think that couples and parents have already some occasions to celebrate ; their wedding anniversary, the day they first met, each other's birthday, fathers and mothers day, Christmas and equivalent occasions for families, AND Valentine's day.
When you're in love and commited in a relationship, everyday is Valentine (==> cliché!) .You don't need a special day to go out, spend more money on some special Valentine seafood (intoxicating) diner with (boring) love songs program in an (overcrowded ) place where you should have reserved (many) days in advance. You neither need another occasion to buy more (heart shaped) gadgets ; after many years, you don't have enough place (even in the attick) to store these (unuseful) items. And if you are an old couple, you'll probably spend most of the diner arguing.
So, after all, Valentine's is not that special day for couples. It might make a wonderful occasion if it was a day for singles to go out and celebrate and get to meet other single people !
Everyone has some loving to give and I find it more appropriate to make it a day for singles to celebrate, give them a chance to meet somebody or just a chance to celebrate their lack of commitment in a relationship, making them available to more opportunities. Available to meet someone. Available to care for a beloved relative. Available to babysit !
I think that couples and parents have already some occasions to celebrate ; their wedding anniversary, the day they first met, each other's birthday, fathers and mothers day, Christmas and equivalent occasions for families, AND Valentine's day.
When you're in love and commited in a relationship, everyday is Valentine (==> cliché!) .You don't need a special day to go out, spend more money on some special Valentine seafood (intoxicating) diner with (boring) love songs program in an (overcrowded ) place where you should have reserved (many) days in advance. You neither need another occasion to buy more (heart shaped) gadgets ; after many years, you don't have enough place (even in the attick) to store these (unuseful) items. And if you are an old couple, you'll probably spend most of the diner arguing.
So, after all, Valentine's is not that special day for couples. It might make a wonderful occasion if it was a day for singles to go out and celebrate and get to meet other single people !
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